Making marriages work

Last week my friend called me and said that she was upset about something and wanted to talk. She is my best friend ever since high school. We share so much with each other and always call each other for comfort. She said she was worried about her marriage. She and her husband have been having a lot of arguments lately and both of them feel like they are not being appreciated for the work they do at home. I know her husband for a long time and he is a very nice person. They have a 1.5 year old and they are exhausted taking care of her and work and household chores. Both of them have demanding jobs and are very nicely placed in their respective fields.  She feels that she is doing all the work at home and her husband is not helping enough. She was worried that they are growing apart as a couple. When I heard this it stuck a chord with me because I was having similar thoughts about an year ago where I felt me and S hardly had time to talk to each other and we used to argue a lot. But, then we talked about it and both of us made an effort to spend more time together and it helped. So, I told her the same thing and also told her that I can give a number of suggestions but, they would be the ones to figure out what works for them.

I was thinking about that conversation all weekend. Then on Sunday I went to a birthday party of another friend’s (college classmate) daughter. So, we were chatting about our classmates and then I learned that one of our classmates got a divorce recently. They were married for 10 years before taking a divorce. It seems she is very happy now after the divorce. I am not judging her but, felt a little sad because, I knew her husband too. But, if she is happy, then that is good.

So, all these thoughts were in my mind all day Sunday and I kept thinking about how much effort we need to put into a marriage. It is definitely a two way street and you have to respect each other’s space and also definitely appreciate each other. I also feel that taking to each other is very important. You can never assume that the other person knows what we are thinking. And the physical relationship plays a very important role too.  I was talking to S about all this and he seems to think that having kids really helps a marriage.

When we were in Wisconsin, I had a close friend who was telling me that her husband forgets things like their anniversary or her birthday etc.. But, she said, “I don’t care because there are a lot of other stuff he does like making sure that my car always has gas. Even when the temp outside is below zero, he makes sure to take the car and fill gas in so that I don’t have to do it.” That was very nice of her to appreciate the little things her husband did for her. After that, I changed my attitude and started thinking in those terms. Life does seem simple when we can let go some stuff.

What are your thoughts? Care to share an experience??

  1. I have so many thoughts about all this, but when it comes to expressing them, I draw blank. I hope your friend sorts it out.

    I do also think its better with kids. If anything, we have less time to fight, I guess. :

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